new guy with a problem!

[im_true89]

hey hows it going, im new to this site but i used to do some heavy lurking on this site about 2 years ago and im ready to finally post. I have kinda of a weird story and i dont really know how to write about in the correct way that accurately conveys how i feel.  basically im an 18 year old bodybuilder with a drug and drinking problem, and a pretty bad one as i see my body detoriating in front of my eyes which is killing me but i feel almost helpless to stop it. Now my story is when i was a bodybuilding seriously from a bout 15-17 years old i was huge i mean teen national competitve level, by sixteen i was juicing and by 17 my offseason weight was 250lbs at 5'8 at that point all i did whas eat sleep and bodybuild, i didnt have friends,gf, or  a life all i cared about was bodybuilding. i litterlaly dreamed about bodybuilding and it showed in my body. at my peak i squatted 615lbs maxed close to 400 on bench and my body looked amazing. concidently I also had no self estteem, and felt like i was a worthless peaice of shit and that caused me to just push myself even harder in the gym as i thought lifting would give me the respect i so badly wanted. But when i turned about 18 thats when all my shit hit the fan  and my friends got me to try drugs. at that point in my life i felt socially awkard and just plain ugly, i felt like a disgusting person and when i did the drugs i felt good about myself i could connect to people i wasnt afraid to put myself out for the world to see. I did coke exctasty pills, almost anything. I would take drugs almost everyday so i could socialize with people. Of course through this i started to lose muscle and get fatter. Now  at this day i am still drinking almost everynight and occasionly doing drugs. Now i want to stop this, i hate hate hate seeing my self just detoriate just turn into someone normal. i dont want to be normal i want to be the best i want to stop drinking stop doing drugs and just lift weights. all i want to do is bodybuild, but i just cant stop ruining myself. I cant convey in words of how painful it is to loook in the mirror everyday and see myself, in fact i stopped i hate the mirror all together. I know that drinking and drugs and the cause of my unhappiness, and the solution for gaining happiness is to become a bodybuilder once again! bodybuilding gave my day a purpose, gave my life meaning, something to look foward to, it gave me strength, mental and physical toughness, it taught me sacrifice and how to be dedicated to something. I need that back i need that sense of fullfillment all i want is to be happy with myself. and lifting holds the key. but im so stuck in a huge rut im deprressed and i feel like a peiace of shit. i want my life back.

now i hate dumping a sob story on you guys but i chose this board, to put my problems on because what i remeber about this site is its like a big big family everyone supports one another, and im hoping u guys could help support me in my goal to become the best bodybuilder i can be. I just need a group of people who are dedicated lifters to give me some motivation and basically help my get my life back on track. cuz i know if i can do this my life will once again have a purpose.




coool 

[queenofthedamned]

wow......dear, you need to check out narcotics anonymous....you have got to get some help.....

[p.s.]

Ok so ya wanna be a great BBer and really that's a very solid goal, but it ain't gonna happen until you deal with your drug issues and more importantly your low self esteem. BBing is a great sport/hobby but it's not going to cause you to change how you feel about yourself as this is a psychological issue, and as this issue is the root cause behind your rec drug use you need to find professional help.

I suggest that to begin with you dump these "friends" who got you into using rec drugs, as you're better off by yourself than with these ass-wipes. You've already admitted that you have a problem so the next thing you need to do is deal with it as QOD said find an N/A group, and then once you've started cleaning up and thinking somewhat straight then locate a solid psychologist/counselor and begin working on why you feel the way you do about yourself.

Once you've managed to get a handle on these issues then go back into the gym, but as a natty. You should be able to achieve what you did back when you were 16-17 as a natty, and remain natty until you're at least 25. In the interim try a few natty shows, but do not let BBing take over your life as there is sooo much more in the world than just BBing.

Lastly be patient with both your drug recovery and your psychological healing as it takes time to heal the body and mind. Sure working out will help, but you can't use it as a crutch anymore for your self-esteem issues or you'll be back at square one again.

I suggest that you may want to talk to MnB as well regarding this issue as he may have some insight and help that I may have overlooked.

Good luck. 

[muscle_n_blood]

Welcome to the board, and thanks for letting it hang out about your problems. I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict myself, and my crazy, chronic, incomprehensible insistence on getting messed up on a regular basis is the main reason I haven't had as much success competing as I would have hoped.. I got it together finally at age 33, (55 now) lucky to be alive, but by then my main opportunity to reach my maximum potential for growth and strength had passed me by. YOURS HAS NOT.

FIRST: get help for the drug problem. Until that stops and stays stopped, your life is going nowhere, and not for long.. Nothing good is going to happen for you in any area of life until you do. You'll do better for periods of time, then whammo. Another drug or alcohol (no difference) related setback.

It's amazing how often people see bodybuilders as vain, narcissistic people, when many of us are just like you and I, eaten up with self loathing which gets worse every time we screw up. It is one of the most common setups for addiction. When I got drunk, when I used cocaine.... for a while I was actually good enough... just as good as anyone else and maybe a little better. I didn't think it possible to feel good enough, even adequate, without these types of things.

If you patiently and persistently (just like training) go through the right process, you can overhaul your whole approach to life, eliminate even the desire to get loaded, and have real confidence. You might can suck it up and do this on your own, but it is extremely difficult. Almost everyone like us will eventually fail until taught how to employ some new coping skills. Why do it the hard way? You may not survive the  relapses, and be miserable as hell in the process.

AA, NA, and CA (Cocaine Anonymous) have been immensely helpful to me. I still go to meetings, not because I need to get high, it's just something I get a lot out of doing. I also got a jumpstart in a rehab center, which I would consider if I were you. Even an intensive outpatient program with an addiction focus could help you make more progress faster. What you DON'T want to do is nothing. If you put as much effort into getting your life on track as you have into training you can't fail.  You just need some coaching in that area.

PM me any time. I work in the recovery field and may can give you some ideas about how to get started.
Lesson #1: I keep one alcoholic/addict away from one drink/drug for one day..... The alcoholic/addict is me. The drink/drug is the first one. The day is today.

[im_true89]

thanks for the input guys


yeah i guess i have some things to work on, i think im going to start going to alcholics anayomous or something just to get my feet on the ground. Im starting up the gym and diet again tommorow, and im going to try stay away from any booze, which will be very difficult but im going to try my absolute best to beat it. the hardest part will as u said m_n_b to elminate the desire to get loaded, but im going to just try and relax and focus on other things for a while.

my self esteem sucks but im going to work on my drinking and drug problem before i work on that, i also beleive those to are interelated so once i quit fucking up my estteem should bump up too i hope

the hardest part is the cravings, they are ruthless, beating them is gonna be that hard part

but ill try my best