Quickies

[HARDCORE]

Quickies
 
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.
 
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
 
So he tied her up and went fishing.
 
 
Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching!  her car into the driveway, and ran into the
 house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack  your bags.  I won the damn lottery!"
 
The husband said, "Oh my God!  What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"
 
"Doesn't matter," she said.  "Just get the hell out."
 
 
 
Quickie #3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
 
 
 
Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.  First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the
letters:
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
 
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
 
 
 
Quickie #5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
you all something.  We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
 
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.  "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
 
 
 
 
Quickie #6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her
husband  burst into the kitchen.
 
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter!  Oh my GOD!  You're
cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY!  Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW!  We need
more butter.  Oh my GOD!  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?  They're
going to STICK!
 
Careful...CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL!  You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking!  Never!  Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your
mind?
 
Don't forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use
the salt.
 
USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!!!  THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him.  "What in the world is wrong with you?  You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
 
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."
 
 
 
Quickie #7
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
 
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.  That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.  That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.